Out to Pasture

Dear Residents of this vast underworld,

How is everyone? May Hades smile down upon you all. He is most certainly not smiling down at me at this moment. But …

Subject: Out to Pasture Wed Feb 06, 2013 11:52 pm

Out to Pasture

Seeds I have sown down here so deep
Benefits that I hope to reap
Can't let them put me in a bind
They'll try to over-graze my mind
Before I collapse in a heap

Must attempt to make one last leap
A martyr, heretic black sheep
Persecuted, leaving behind
Seeds I have sown!

A reputation to upkeep
Snatch me away without a peep
Herded to the chopping block blind
Rather this than what I can't find
Pasture of freedom, so I weep
Seeds I have sown...

A/N: I just wrote this poem today. I got the inspiration while thinking about my character for a roleplay.

Subject: Re: Out to Pasture Wed Mar 13, 2013 6:55 pm

Ohmygoodness. Why have I not posted a reply here yet? Sorry about that. I was meaning to, but I never got around to it.

Let me just say that the structure of this poem trumps all the others here, really. The rhyme scheme is perfect and never sounds forced, and it flows very well. Each stanza has a different number of lines, but when being read, it's hardly noticeable because it fits together so well. You didn't stray from large words, and that was good, since they never interrupted the flow or anything.

I'll be honest and say I'm not entirely sure what the poem is talking about. However! There are kindling thoughts! And that's always great. So far, I do get that it's not necessarily about the pasture itself, but it's serving as an extended metaphor? To me, the "seeds" that are being sown are like that person's legacy, or influence that will impact the future.

From the first stanza to the second stanza, it seems like the speaker is exhausted, and perhaps taken away, forcing to leave behind his/her "seeds" that have been sown. Does the speaker die at the end? That's something I'm not sure about, but I feel like it's implied with the chopping block, "freedom" and the trailing off of "seeds I have sown". (Which is a very strong last line, by the way, especially after the apparent enthusiasm of the last line in the previous stanza.)

Beyond that, let's see... The "them" that's italicized... I have mixed feelings about that. I realize this was based off a roleplay character, so the "them" is probably someone in the roleplay that the speaker is referring to. But for some reason, since I emphasized "them" in my head, the line sort of lost it's vigor halfway. Because the reader doesn't know who "they" are, I feel like it would be all right to leave it there as a normal word without italicizing it. Then again, if you want to place emphasis on it as is, that's fine too - it may be a personal thing.

Great poem, kazu. The structure, secret meaning and slight enigma surrounding it gives it a feeling of a published or well-known poem. Kind of like this week's poem, "Gulf Memo" which I also don't understand completely. Kudos!

Hope my feedback has been at least somewhat useful :)
~ SoraAngel