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Sincerest Apologies and Bright Promises
Mon Oct 28, 2013 11:18 pm by SoraAngel


Dear Residents of this vast underworld,


How is everyone? May Hades smile down upon you all. He is most certainly not smiling down at me at this moment. But …


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 Reflection

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SoraAngel
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PostSubject: Reflection   Mon Jan 28, 2013 1:38 pm

Reflection

The clear sheet of glass
beneath my disjointed fingertips
is a mirror of my wrinkled, dying face.
Demons lurk in the shadows,
watching me,
their eyes piercing my flesh,
as I brush my fingers
across my cheek,
the faded reflection of the girl
copying my subtle movements.
And then,
I fall,
shards of water and ice
digging into my skin,
into the never-ending depths of the lake.




That was written by me. I don't do poetry often - only when I have sudden bursts of inspiration, or a character in one of my stories likes writing poetry. Anyway, what did you think? Comments, questions, confused looks... I welcome everything.


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ZephyrSolace
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PostSubject: Critique    Mon Jan 28, 2013 8:38 pm

The title was simple, but it tied really well to the poem. Although I usually prefer to have more flow of words, the disjointedness of the lines worked with the subject matter of the poem. It seemed to reinforce the idea of shards and something being very sharp. Another notable part was how she viewed herself in the mirror when the demons were watching her. Nice one for a sudden burst of inspiration.

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Dangosan
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PostSubject: Re: Reflection   Mon Jan 28, 2013 9:28 pm

I really liked the meaning this poem carries with it, as it was portrayed in a very artistic and creative fashion, which I'm all for. But I think you could perhaps work on word flow and rhythm. As Kazu mentioned, the poem in general sounds a bit choppy and lacks the poetic feel a poem should have. And if the uneven rhythm was intentional, it would do well to put more emphasis and making the disjointedness even more significant. And finally, I have to compliment you on your excellent word choice--it really manages to paint a picture in my mind in HD.

I thought this was gorgeous, Sora~

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PostSubject: Re: Reflection   Mon Jan 28, 2013 10:01 pm

ZephyrSolace wrote:
The title was simple, but it tied really well to the poem. Although I usually prefer to have more flow of words, the disjointedness of the lines worked with the subject matter of the poem. It seemed to reinforce the idea of shards and something being very sharp. Another notable part was how she viewed herself in the mirror when the demons were watching her. Nice one for a sudden burst of inspiration.

I was aiming for a something that would give off a sharp feel, sort of like the line "shards of water and ice digging into my skin" but I'm starting to think the poem may become stronger if it flows better, and perhaps retain some of the sharp feel. Thanks so much for all the comments! They mean a lot, especially when they're coming from a poetic master like you (whether you believe it or not).

Chobani wrote:
I really liked the meaning this poem carries with it, as it was portrayed in a very artistic and creative fashion, which I'm all for. But I think you could perhaps work on word flow and rhythm. As Kazu mentioned, the poem in general sounds a bit choppy and lacks the poetic feel a poem should have. And if the uneven rhythm was intentional, it would do well to put more emphasis and making the disjointedness even more significant. And finally, I have to compliment you on your excellent word choice--it really manages to paint a picture in my mind in HD.

I thought this was gorgeous, Sora~

When you say "work on word flow and rhythm...lacks the poetic feel a poem should have" I am at awe of your observation skills, because that's something I struggle with when writing poetry. Thanks so much for the sweet review, Tori.

I was thinking, if I combined a few lines together, will it flow better? How is this version:




Reflection

The clear sheet of glass beneath my disjointed fingertips
is a mirror of my wrinkled, dying face.
Demons lurk in the shadows,
watching me,
their eyes piercing my flesh,
as I brush my fingers across my cheek,
the faded reflection of the girl copying my subtle movements.
And then,
I fall,
shards of water and ice digging into my skin,
into the never-ending depths of the lake.




Although now the lines are not as consistent when it comes to length, by combining some lines here and there, the reader doesn't pause at certain points. Does that increase the flow while still retaining some imagery of sharpness, or was it just better the first way? (By the way, thanks so much for all the help guys!)

(Also: this is my first time using the quote feature on here. Doesn't it look nice?)

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PostSubject: Re: Reflection   Mon Jan 28, 2013 10:22 pm

@Sora: I like the second version a tad bit more than the original because, like you said, it does flow better. The only piece of advice I can offer you now is that you trim off a bit in "the faded reflection of the girl copying my subtle movements". That way, the poem'll seem more balanced. But that's it! I really, really loved this poem Even though I sounded like a jerk in my cnc.

Keep writing, Sora. I LIVE ON IT. o_o

(I noticed! Much better than Oz's, in my opinion.)

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PostSubject: Re: Reflection   Mon Jan 28, 2013 10:49 pm


Tori: Haha, don't worry, you did not sound like a jerk at all. Now that I think about it, is there too much of a problem if that line is split in two? It seems better that way...

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PostSubject: Re: Reflection   Tue Jan 29, 2013 7:36 pm

@Sora: Um...I can't really give a definite answer for that one. It really just depends on the reader, I think. Personally, I prefer the line to be just one, just shortened.

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PostSubject: Re: Reflection   Tue Jan 29, 2013 9:01 pm


Well, I'll admit I just like the way that line sounds, so I'm not really for shortening it. All I can seem to think is omitting the word "subtle" but I like it there, so I suppose that's how it's going to stay. Maybe.
Anyway, I do love all the critique; and the poem definitely progressed for the good. I might actually end up changing that one line altogether, but if it's something small and depends on the reader, as you said, it should be fine to leave it as is.
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PostSubject: Re: Reflection   Tue Jan 29, 2013 10:00 pm

Oh wow I love this *^*
To me, there's this edge of almost danger, insanity or the like yet it flows so well, and the two together just create something really interesting. It's beautiful.
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PostSubject: Re: Reflection   Wed Mar 13, 2013 7:02 pm

SaKaira wrote:
Oh wow I love this *^*
To me, there's this edge of almost danger, insanity or the like yet it flows so well, and the two together just create something really interesting. It's beautiful.

Aw, you're too kind. *blushes* Thanks, Sakura :)
And sorry, I didn't see this comment until now, haha.

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