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Sincerest Apologies and Bright Promises
Mon Oct 28, 2013 11:18 pm by SoraAngel


Dear Residents of this vast underworld,


How is everyone? May Hades smile down upon you all. He is most certainly not smiling down at me at this moment. But …


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  Poem : Monster

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SaKaira
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Age : 18
Location : Ireland.

PostSubject: Poem : Monster   Tue Jan 29, 2013 10:26 pm

Do you know what it's like
To be tortured by your own mind?
To search for meaning
But not like what you find?
It's like a buzzing in her head
But it slowly gets louder
And all the sheets run red
And even her family doubts her

She finds herself turning to a blade
The worst decision she's ever made
To stop the emptiness and numb the voices
To pretend she's not in a mental crisis

And all the blood and all the pain
Is as calming as the falling rain
But then she begins to realise
What she really is inside

There's a war in her head
And the wounds are on her body
Oh, she wishes she was dead
'Cause the voices tell her she's nobody
And the feud ravages in
As she stares down at the knife
To get rid of this monster
She must end her life

---
I don't usually write poetry (though sometimes songs) but I've gotten into it lately. This is one of the poems that rhyme, and my first one. I don't like how it starts questioning, but then changes to third person, taking about someone. Nor do I like the "mental crisis" bit, I don't think it works well. Any opinions/help/tips/criticism? I appreciate all feedback, I'm trying to improve.
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SoraAngel
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PostSubject: Re: Poem : Monster   Sat Feb 02, 2013 1:46 am

Haha, I love how everyone has been trying out poetry on here, XD It's great to see so many awesome attempts.

Alright Sakura, prepare for all-out critique-mode Sora!

I'll do it stanza-by-stanza.

"Do you know what it's like
To be tortured by your own mind?
To search for meaning
But not like what you find?
It's like a buzzing in her head
But it slowly gets louder
And all the sheets run red
And even her family doubts her"

Although you say you didn't like the sudden shift to third person, I very much liked that - it made me think what prompted such questions, and it links them to her own thoughts and makes us think at the same time. Despite that, however, there's some irregularity in your rhythm. The rhyme is pretty nice (I like the ABCB structure) but in some parts, a line was way longer than the previous one and it threw off the flow. Like the first two lines: the first line has 6 syllables, but the second has 8. If it had seven, it would still be OK, but the sudden difference in length sounds awkward when read. A wording change there might help. Another place that happened was the last two, with "and all the sheets run red, and even her family doubts her" You could even look at the 'slowly gets louder' line and see that it's way smaller in comparison. So, shortening that might get it to run smoother. Still, I think it was an excellent first stanza - it caught my attention, gave me info, and had a consistent mood to it. Some lines were pretty great too; my favorite section was:
"It's like a buzzing in her head
But it slowly gets louder
And all the sheets run red"
Because it all sounded so amazing put together like that.

I just realized that that stanza has two different rhyme schemes: The first time, meaning and find didn't rhyme, but then head and red did rhyme. Maybe break those two stanzas up equally to fix this.

Next:
"She finds herself turning to a blade
The worst decision she's ever made
To stop the emptiness and numb the voices
To pretend she's not in a mental crisis"

This is very different from the first stanza - so different that it might have been it's own poem. In a poem where you have a specific structure and rhyme scheme, you don't want to change too much among stanzas in case you interrupt the flow. The first line, again, caught my interest, but it was longer compared to previous lines and sort of threw me off when reading. And then "voices and crisis" are too far apart in rhyme. Sometimes, one can use slant rhyme, where the words SEEM to rhyme, but here it stood out too much. You already mentioned this, so I do believe you were right in thinking they don't work too well ;)

"And all the blood and all the pain
Is as calming as the falling rain
But then she begins to realise
What she really is inside"

LOVE that first line, again. If you read it out loud, it has this cool beat going on that really gets the message across. But then, alas, the second line is longer again and interrupts that awesome beat. I think what may be your problem here is that you're trying too hard to remain coherent, like a story, but it's a poem so it doesn't matter. For example, something like
"And all the blood and all the pain
As calm as falling rain..."
Might get the flow going better. If you try linking all your separate sentences together, the impact is gone.

"There's a war in her head
And the wounds are on her body
Oh, she wishes she was dead
'Cause the voices tell her she's nobody
And the feud ravages in
As she stares down at the knife
To get rid of this monster
She must end her life"

You're really great with first lines. I like how this sort of refers back to the beginning of the poem with the state of her mind. But then, again the second line becomes too long to keep that great flow. Matching "body" with "nobody" might not have been a great idea either...
But those last lines. "As she stares down at the knife, to get rid of this monster she must end her life." were absolutely AMAZING! They totally left me with this war inside my own head. They did exactly what the last lines of poems should do - they punched me in the gut. To do that takes talent and brilliance, and those last lines had both of those. It totally drew the whole poem together and left a feeling of dread hanging in the air. Just. Great.

Overall, I think the main thing you have to work with is flow, and keeping a consistent structure. Honestly, I think you were lovely at rhyming every other line, and so you might want to consider editing the inner two stanzas to match the rest of the poem and trying to balance out the lines. The idea behind the poem was great, and the way you executed it was breathtaking. Your beginning and end were the strongest, and that's the best thing someone so new at poetry can hear. A great first rhyming poem! I sincerely hope I wasn't too harsh or nitpicky. I hope you'll keep trying and posting more poems for me to read and tear apart ;) Just kidding, but honestly, I'd love to read more.

Until later!
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SaKaira
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Posts : 9
Join date : 2013-01-27
Age : 18
Location : Ireland.

PostSubject: Re: Poem : Monster   Sat Feb 02, 2013 6:52 pm

SoraAngel wrote:
Haha, I love how everyone has been trying out poetry on here, XD It's great to see so many awesome attempts.

Alright Sakura, prepare for all-out critique-mode Sora!

I'll do it stanza-by-stanza.

"Do you know what it's like
To be tortured by your own mind?
To search for meaning
But not like what you find?
It's like a buzzing in her head
But it slowly gets louder
And all the sheets run red
And even her family doubts her"

Although you say you didn't like the sudden shift to third person, I very much liked that - it made me think what prompted such questions, and it links them to her own thoughts and makes us think at the same time. Despite that, however, there's some irregularity in your rhythm. The rhyme is pretty nice (I like the ABCB structure) but in some parts, a line was way longer than the previous one and it threw off the flow. Like the first two lines: the first line has 6 syllables, but the second has 8. If it had seven, it would still be OK, but the sudden difference in length sounds awkward when read. A wording change there might help. Another place that happened was the last two, with "and all the sheets run red, and even her family doubts her" You could even look at the 'slowly gets louder' line and see that it's way smaller in comparison. So, shortening that might get it to run smoother. Still, I think it was an excellent first stanza - it caught my attention, gave me info, and had a consistent mood to it. Some lines were pretty great too; my favorite section was:
"It's like a buzzing in her head
But it slowly gets louder
And all the sheets run red"
Because it all sounded so amazing put together like that.

I just realized that that stanza has two different rhyme schemes: The first time, meaning and find didn't rhyme, but then head and red did rhyme. Maybe break those two stanzas up equally to fix this.

Next:
"She finds herself turning to a blade
The worst decision she's ever made
To stop the emptiness and numb the voices
To pretend she's not in a mental crisis"

This is very different from the first stanza - so different that it might have been it's own poem. In a poem where you have a specific structure and rhyme scheme, you don't want to change too much among stanzas in case you interrupt the flow. The first line, again, caught my interest, but it was longer compared to previous lines and sort of threw me off when reading. And then "voices and crisis" are too far apart in rhyme. Sometimes, one can use slant rhyme, where the words SEEM to rhyme, but here it stood out too much. You already mentioned this, so I do believe you were right in thinking they don't work too well Wink

"And all the blood and all the pain
Is as calming as the falling rain
But then she begins to realise
What she really is inside"

LOVE that first line, again. If you read it out loud, it has this cool beat going on that really gets the message across. But then, alas, the second line is longer again and interrupts that awesome beat. I think what may be your problem here is that you're trying too hard to remain coherent, like a story, but it's a poem so it doesn't matter. For example, something like
"And all the blood and all the pain
As calm as falling rain..."
Might get the flow going better. If you try linking all your separate sentences together, the impact is gone.

"There's a war in her head
And the wounds are on her body
Oh, she wishes she was dead
'Cause the voices tell her she's nobody
And the feud ravages in
As she stares down at the knife
To get rid of this monster
She must end her life"

You're really great with first lines. I like how this sort of refers back to the beginning of the poem with the state of her mind. But then, again the second line becomes too long to keep that great flow. Matching "body" with "nobody" might not have been a great idea either...
But those last lines. "As she stares down at the knife, to get rid of this monster she must end her life." were absolutely AMAZING! They totally left me with this war inside my own head. They did exactly what the last lines of poems should do - they punched me in the gut. To do that takes talent and brilliance, and those last lines had both of those. It totally drew the whole poem together and left a feeling of dread hanging in the air. Just. Great.

Overall, I think the main thing you have to work with is flow, and keeping a consistent structure. Honestly, I think you were lovely at rhyming every other line, and so you might want to consider editing the inner two stanzas to match the rest of the poem and trying to balance out the lines. The idea behind the poem was great, and the way you executed it was breathtaking. Your beginning and end were the strongest, and that's the best thing someone so new at poetry can hear. A great first rhyming poem! I sincerely hope I wasn't too harsh or nitpicky. I hope you'll keep trying and posting more poems for me to read and tear apart Wink Just kidding, but honestly, I'd love to read more.

Until later!

Oh gosh, this is so detailed and much appreciated *^*

You weren't harsh at all, every point was definitely true, and made me realise exactly what I had to work on. I shall definitely keep this is in mind. Honestly, I can't express how much I appreciate your critique, it's really helped, and also given me some confidence in poetry Very Happy -cries happy tears-
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SoraAngel
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Location : The depths of the underworld.

PostSubject: Re: Poem : Monster   Mon Feb 04, 2013 5:42 pm


Aww, haha, I'm glad I could be of help :) Keep writing that awesome poetry!
And I'm glad I gave you confidence. Sometimes I'm afraid I might scare someone off with all the critique, since I'm sort of scrutinizing a piece. But honestly, that's what I want people to do (although it does make me insanely nervous) so I do the same for others.





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