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Sincerest Apologies and Bright Promises
Mon Oct 28, 2013 11:18 pm by SoraAngel


Dear Residents of this vast underworld,


How is everyone? May Hades smile down upon you all. He is most certainly not smiling down at me at this moment. But …


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 Sleeping Beauty

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Dangosan
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PostSubject: Sleeping Beauty   Mon Jan 28, 2013 8:55 pm

Her kingdom is in a slumber
Quilted with a shield of thorns
Just as she is

Untouchable
Golden hair frames her face
That has paled to porcelain

And she will not wake
Until
Until

A rose waits forever


Just a short poem I simply had to write after rewatching Sleeping Beauty with my younger sister, added with the fact I've just been in a poem-ish mood and what not. I don't usually write poems (scratch that; I never write them), so you'll have to excuse the awkward imagery.

Please just give me your thoughts on it and such. Thanks. (~*3*)~

_________________________________________________________________________

(c)BellsChime


Last edited by Torilistic on Tue Jan 29, 2013 7:37 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Sleeping Beauty   Mon Jan 28, 2013 10:28 pm

Oh my Hades, this is quite lovely :)

Alright, it's very short, but let me go stanza by stanza and tell you what I think.
PREPARE YOURSELF!

"Her kingdom is in a slumber
Quilted with a shield of thorns
Just as she is"

Alright. I really love this stanza. It's a strong start, and that's important, especially in a short poem like yours. I adore the word choice ("quilted" gives a nice image, in contrast to "thorns") and then you follow with "just as she is" which also packs a punch.

However...

"Untouchable
Golden hair frames her face
That has paled to porcelain"

The "untouchable" threw me off for a second. I'm still wondering whether it links to "just as she is...untouchable" or if it's meant to be another characteristic of her hair? Or if it's just a word let loose from your mind, which might have worked if it hadn't been quite so mystifying. Further on, the "that has paled" doesn't seem to naturally link with "face" and I think this may be because you focused on hair in the previous line, and the "that has paled to porcelain" is a continuation of the previous line. Maybe if you tried to make it an independent line, so it was more clear? Not sure how one would go about this one...

"And she will not wake
Until
Until"

Aw man, I loved this. It's not very conventional, but it worked very effectively. Kudos! Anyway, the repeated until is strong because it gives a sense of waiting, and the passing of time - which is a very big theme in Sleeping Beauty. Simply wonderful.

"A rose waits forever."

I have mixed feelings for that^ line. I like it because it ends the poem with finality, but at the same time, it's almost as if time comes to a standstill at that line. Again, TIME, which is just brilliant. The only problem I have is that it's sudden... maybe too sudden? It's hard to see the link it has to the previous stanza. I know it's there, because it's almost saying that she never stops waiting because she "waits forever" but maybe a slight hint at the previous stanza would tie this in better. Maybe ellipses (Until...) on the last word could give a sense of trailing off only to come to the realization that "a rose waits forever?" Again, I'm not sure how one would go about changing it. It's not a major problem, really, but I've learned that a poem needs to end strongly because it's usually way shorter than prose, and usually sort of mysterious, as yours is.

I love the air of mysteriousness your poem has. In a way it's direct, but it seems to be drawing parallels between a lot of things and sort of hinting at bigger ideas, and I think you did that brilliantly. If this is your first attempt, I think you should continue writing poems, because this is an amazing poem. I think I was just nitpicking a lot of things, when really it could just be summarized as a sort of broken up feeling. I don't think it was the flow - it seems more like the idea themselves just need to be linked better. It's a short poem, but a strong one, and that's great.

Hope I wasn't too harsh. *sweatdrop* I do critiques for the school magazine and I've been told that sometimes I can be too harsh... at least, to those who are just used to "this is great! ooh! aah!" Which this poem was, honestly. It just needs polishing, is all. And it seems that this is a rough draft, so yeah. Very beautiful, Tori - I'm glad you gave into the impulse. It's great how you saw so much deeper into a classic fairytale! You never cease to amaze me.

*Looks back at post*
Aw man. I have no life. Did I really write that much? *Faints*

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ZephyrSolace
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PostSubject: Re: Sleeping Beauty   Tue Jan 29, 2013 9:00 pm

All the lines in your poem are very reminiscent of Sleeping Beauty, so great job on that. When I read this poem, I immediately think of that princess, even if you hadn't mentioned her. I absolutely love the line "Quilted with a shield of thorns". As Sora said, there's an interesting contrast there. The word "quilted" really reminds me of queens and the like; it also makes me think of the shield completely covering her, so nice word choice there.

I find that the word "untouchable" would work better at the end of the first stanza rather than at the beginning of the second. That would indicate both the kingdom and her are untouchable, if that was what you intended. However, you might want to flesh out your characterization of Sleeping Beauty and rework some lines in the second stanza.

The refrain of the word "until" was good, but you might even want to add another "until" to emphasize that word more. Usually poems with a one word refrain repeat it three times, but that's up to you.

The ending seemed a bit abrupt, coming after "until". One thing I did like about it, though, was that you used the word "rose" to describe Sleeping Beauty. That connects well to the poem, as every rose has its thorns.

_________________________________________________________________________


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Winding passageways of the Labyrinth
Root of all evil
Hear no evil...see no evil
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PostSubject: Re: Sleeping Beauty   Thu Jan 31, 2013 12:16 am

SoraAngel wrote:
Oh my Hades, this is quite lovely Smile

Alright, it's very short, but let me go stanza by stanza and tell you what I think.
PREPARE YOURSELF!

"Her kingdom is in a slumber
Quilted with a shield of thorns
Just as she is"

Alright. I really love this stanza. It's a strong start, and that's important, especially in a short poem like yours. I adore the word choice ("quilted" gives a nice image, in contrast to "thorns") and then you follow with "just as she is" which also packs a punch.

However...

"Untouchable
Golden hair frames her face
That has paled to porcelain"

The "untouchable" threw me off for a second. I'm still wondering whether it links to "just as she is...untouchable" or if it's meant to be another characteristic of her hair? Or if it's just a word let loose from your mind, which might have worked if it hadn't been quite so mystifying. Further on, the "that has paled" doesn't seem to naturally link with "face" and I think this may be because you focused on hair in the previous line, and the "that has paled to porcelain" is a continuation of the previous line. Maybe if you tried to make it an independent line, so it was more clear? Not sure how one would go about this one...

"And she will not wake
Until
Until"

Aw man, I loved this. It's not very conventional, but it worked very effectively. Kudos! Anyway, the repeated until is strong because it gives a sense of waiting, and the passing of time - which is a very big theme in Sleeping Beauty. Simply wonderful.

"A rose waits forever."

I have mixed feelings for that^ line. I like it because it ends the poem with finality, but at the same time, it's almost as if time comes to a standstill at that line. Again, TIME, which is just brilliant. The only problem I have is that it's sudden... maybe too sudden? It's hard to see the link it has to the previous stanza. I know it's there, because it's almost saying that she never stops waiting because she "waits forever" but maybe a slight hint at the previous stanza would tie this in better. Maybe ellipses (Until...) on the last word could give a sense of trailing off only to come to the realization that "a rose waits forever?" Again, I'm not sure how one would go about changing it. It's not a major problem, really, but I've learned that a poem needs to end strongly because it's usually way shorter than prose, and usually sort of mysterious, as yours is.

I love the air of mysteriousness your poem has. In a way it's direct, but it seems to be drawing parallels between a lot of things and sort of hinting at bigger ideas, and I think you did that brilliantly. If this is your first attempt, I think you should continue writing poems, because this is an amazing poem. I think I was just nitpicking a lot of things, when really it could just be summarized as a sort of broken up feeling. I don't think it was the flow - it seems more like the idea themselves just need to be linked better. It's a short poem, but a strong one, and that's great.

Hope I wasn't too harsh. *sweatdrop* I do critiques for the school magazine and I've been told that sometimes I can be too harsh... at least, to those who are just used to "this is great! ooh! aah!" Which this poem was, honestly. It just needs polishing, is all. And it seems that this is a rough draft, so yeah. Very beautiful, Tori - I'm glad you gave into the impulse. It's great how you saw so much deeper into a classic fairytale! You never cease to amaze me.

*Looks back at post*
Aw man. I have no life. Did I really write that much? *Faints*

Okay, I literally sat in front of my computer staring at this thing for a full minute before I snapped out of it. True story. You have no idea how much it means to me to know you spent time to write this--it makes me feel a warm inside, haha. <3 So similar to the way you went stanza-by-stanza, I shall reply the same way!

STANZA 1

Thank you! I was actually unsure about the last line, so it's nice to know it "packed a punch". I was afraid I was jumping too quickly from the castle to Sleeping Beauty, see.

STANZA 2

Ahh, ironically enough, this was the stanza that stumped me. I knew I wanted to describe her features, but my mind just suddenly blanked. But I really wanted to post this, so I ended up just winging it--never a good idea when it comes to poetry. I have much to learn.

So. "Untouchable". It first belonged to the first stanza, but I wanted to even it out to three lines per stanza, so I had to shoved that down. There was a moment where I considered making it one entire stanza alone, but then I thought that would subtract from the emphasis on "a rose waits forever", so I scrapped that, too. Do you have any advice on what I should do?

Hair-to-face issue. Hm. I never noticed, to be honest. I lack a critic's eye, which is unfortunate, huh? ;-; But now that I'm rereading it, it does seem to throw me off a little. So I think I'll follow through with your advice and try to make it an independent line. Not sure how, but I shall find a way. *3*b

STANZA 3

The "until"s'. I also didn't seem to register that. o_o But I will give the ellipses a try for a final copy. Very Happy

STANZA 4

This was actually the phrase that was the inspiration for the entire poem! It just kind of popped into my mind while I watched the movie. Continuing from the "until"s', I think I'll try to find some way to connect the two more tightly so as to avoid confusing the reader. Again, no idea how, but I shall figure it out! v_v

But seriously, Sora. It's already an enormous compliment to see all of this cnc you've written for me! I treasure your advice like gold, because I really do look up to you as an amazing writer and rper. Thanks again for this beautiful review and I'll definitely try to apply all of your advices in future poems. (If they ever exist.)

_________________________________________________________________________

(c)BellsChime
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PostSubject: Re: Sleeping Beauty   Thu Jan 31, 2013 12:25 am

ZephyrSolace wrote:
All the lines in your poem are very reminiscent of Sleeping Beauty, so great job on that. When I read this poem, I immediately think of that princess, even if you hadn't mentioned her. I absolutely love the line "Quilted with a shield of thorns". As Sora said, there's an interesting contrast there. The word "quilted" really reminds me of queens and the like; it also makes me think of the shield completely covering her, so nice word choice there.

I find that the word "untouchable" would work better at the end of the first stanza rather than at the beginning of the second. That would indicate both the kingdom and her are untouchable, if that was what you intended. However, you might want to flesh out your characterization of Sleeping Beauty and rework some lines in the second stanza.

The refrain of the word "until" was good, but you might even want to add another "until" to emphasize that word more. Usually poems with a one word refrain repeat it three times, but that's up to you.

The ending seemed a bit abrupt, coming after "until". One thing I did like about it, though, was that you used the word "rose" to describe Sleeping Beauty. That connects well to the poem, as every rose has its thorns.

*spontaneous hug*
Sorry, couldn't help it. You're just always so emoticon-less and it makes me curious. Surprised Anyways...

I've always admired your poems (especially the one you did for "Strings"), and it really means a lot to have you drop a cnc!

"Untouchable": You'll have to forgive me if this question is ridiculous, because I can honestly say I have very little knowledge on poem structure, but is it alright to have stanzas in which there are different amounts of lines? Because as I mentioned in Sora's reply, that was something that kept me from shifting the lines.

"Until": Really, now? Sad to say, I didn't know that. *groan* I was afraid three times might have been a little too much and would bore the reader, but now that I think about it, a repetition of three does seem to strengthen the illusion of "waiting".

Well, all in all, thanks for the review. I'll be definitely using this for future references and such. Smile

_________________________________________________________________________

(c)BellsChime
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PostSubject: Re: Sleeping Beauty   Thu Jan 31, 2013 12:46 am

Torilistic wrote:

*spontaneous hug*
Sorry, couldn't help it. You're just always so emoticon-less and it makes me curious. Surprised Anyways...

I've always admired your poems (especially the one you did for "Strings"), and it really means a lot to have you drop a cnc!

"Untouchable": You'll have to forgive me if this question is ridiculous, because I can honestly say I have very little knowledge on poem structure, but is it alright to have stanzas in which there are different amounts of lines? Because as I mentioned in Sora's reply, that was something that kept me from shifting the lines.

"Until": Really, now? Sad to say, I didn't know that. *groan* I was afraid three times might have been a little too much and would bore the reader, but now that I think about it, a repetition of three does seem to strengthen the illusion of "waiting".

Well, all in all, thanks for the review. I'll be definitely using this for future references and such. Smile

*Huggles* Pfft, I use plenty of emoticons on Gaia, particularly a ninja one. Anyway, thanks. No, never think that for one second, unless you're following a poetry style that denotes the number of lines in each stanza. If you're simply doing free verse/prose, write to your heart's content. I often find the common things people worry about is rhyming and number of lines in each stanza. Don't worry too much about that. You're welcome!

_________________________________________________________________________


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